Dizzy Mommy Morning Thoughts

I have been dizzy every day since March 2016. Some days are more tolerable then others. 20884875_1448663911887400_684975444_nI have VM, there is no cure for it nor is there a real treatment. I’ve gotten to the point to where I have accepted and managed dizzy into my daily routine, but every once in awhile I think how nice it would be to wake up normal. I then start to realize how blessed I am that I do not have a life threatening illness and how many doors my Vestibular disability has opened for me that I never assumed would be there otherwise (I was on a long road of Bartending which I loved). That is when I go back to embracing my world as it is and as I’ve grown to love it.

I learned during the course of the last year and a half that embracing our current situations is the best way to handle life’s curve-balls. These situations, life’s moments and circumstances, will happen whether we dig our heels in and struggle against them or simply breathe and work with the situation. I struggled. When I initially left work and had to come home I struggled a lot, and then I started embracing my situation and let the doors that the Universe laid out for me open up. My art was in front of me to be painted , created and embraced. Now I have amazing people that are letting me share my art with them. I get to tutor art to young children and hopefully soon also to some adults. And I have a job I enjoy when all the while it looked like I truly wouldn’t be working again outside the house and I know many with this conditions similar to this that do not work.

There are days I wish I could sleep properly (like you know those normal 7-8 hours we are told about, it’s like a mythical Unicorn it seems) but then I remember that at least I do get some sleep. I refuse to allow my VM to take over so I suck it up and do what I have to. Some days I am extra quiet and the people around me ask if I am okay. I nod and say yes, but often I am staring at random objects to allow my eyes to focus again when I’ve over-extended and moved too quick (I still do this, even though I know that I have to move certain ways) . Or trying to contain the nausea feeling I have at that moment, which seems to be a constant by product that you do get used to.

The point of this story is that sometimes we are the only ones who can truly understand what we are going through and we either allow our misery to take over and blame the world for our problems or we take charge and make our lives amazing… Our lives are in our hands. Not your spouse, not your friends … your life is yours. So even with an illness there is small ways that you can make your life better. There was months were I couldn’t get too far from my couch. In that time I learned to embrace my Art & myself again.

So don’t fault others for not understanding your situation or circumstances. Their unkind words at your invisible illness or them not reaching out is not always because they don’t care but most often because life is busy for them too or maybe they simply don’t know what to say or how to help.

For those of you that don’t suffer from chronic illnesses though, if you have a loved one that does, when they are struggling, sometimes all we want is just to be hugged and then there is other days where being left alone so we can rest is the best medicine. Simply asking what we need also may help depending on the person.

This is a great article to read but here is an excerpt

The five caregiver commandments:

1. Accept your powerlessness.

Watching a loved one in pain is one of the hardest things in the world. It can feel like being trapped in a nightmare. You want to make them to feel better, but you just can’t.

There are many ways to support your loved one, but you need to understand that you are powerless to make them better. It’s not your job to take away their pain. You need to acknowledge this, and truly accept it, before you will ever be able to make difference for them.

Your love and understanding is the medicine they need.

2. Take time to learn about their illness.

The first step towards understanding is taking the time to learn about their illness. At the very least, learn the basics. What are the symptoms? What are the treatments? It can be helpful to read the experiences of others. 

You won’t be able to make them better, but it’s an empowering step. Having an intellectual understanding goes a long way towards providing effective care. It opens the door to empathy.

Talk to your loved one. Ask them about their experience. Ask them questions if you don’t understand, don’t just guess. It may be hard for them to articulate the answers, but be patient. Really try to understand. Try to put yourself in their shoes.

What might your life look like if the same limitations were suddenly placed on you?

The better you can understand their illness, the better off you’ll be. The love and support you give will be authentic in their eyes.

I also recommend reading “The Spoon Theory” by Christine Miserandino at butyoudontlooksick.com. It’s a fantastic article and the most elegant description of what it’s like to live with a chronic illness I have ever come across.

3. Be with them, but give them space when they need it.1

One of the best ways to support someone with a chronic illness is to just simply be with them.

Living with a chronic illness can be incredibly lonely. It’s easy to feel disconnected from the world when you are so severely limited. It can be hard to relate to everyone else.

One of the things your loved one needs from you the most is companionship. Never underestimate the power of spending quality time with someone you care about when they are in pain.

Sometimes, just knowing we are not alone in our moment of pain is enough to carry us through.

But the reverse is also true. There will be times when the best thing you can do is to give your loved one space. Getting enough sleep and rest is a critical part of managing a chronic illness. There will be times when your loved one needs you, but there will also be times when they need to be alone.

If they don’t have the energy to spend time with you, never hold it against them. It’s not a reflection of some hidden resentment they harbor. In fact, it’s not personal at all. No one would rather stay home in bed. But when you have a chronic illness, you’re forced to make hard choices, and it’s so much harder when you feel like you’ve let someone down that you care about.

By giving them space, and not taking it personally, you are supporting them more than you can possibly know.

4. Validate their pain.

At the end of the day, what most people with a chronic illness so desperately seek is to be heard, to be understood, to be accepted, but above all else, to be validated.

Your loved one lives in a reality where almost no one truly understands what they’re going through. When they’re in pain, most people won’t believe them or even care enough to try. But you can be the one who understands. You can be the one who believes. You can’t make them feel better, but you can make them feel heard. Show them you know their pain is real.

By far, this is the most powerful way you can give your love and support. When they feel neglected by the world, a compassionate validation can give them the strength they need to persevere. In that moment, it can change everything for them.

5. Don’t get frustrated.

The worst part of a chronic illness is usually not the illness. Everyone gets sick from time to time. It’s the never ending repetitive nature that makes it so hard. We get sick. Then we get sick again.

At times, it will get frustrating, but it’s so important to remain calm. When your loved one is in pain, they will be at the mercy of forces outside of their control. They may be emotionally needy, distant, angry or sad.

Regardless, it’s safe to say that the interaction may not be as rational as you would expect under normal circumstances. And it’s easy to lose your cool when your good intentions are met with a reaction you didn’t expect. Pain can bring out our worst qualities.

But if you can stay calm and keep a cool head, the tension will always pass. You will be supporting them in a way that will make their pain easier to endure. At the very least, it will give them one less thing to worry about.

It can be difficult to support your loved one in this way, but it’s worth the effort.

Remember Happiness is something we choose. We don’t have to choose to be miserable. So even in the toughest situations, we can choose to be peaceful and happy, it allows us to find solutions and the doors available to us because sometimes life’s doors do close.


Pixie ~ Beatrice



When all the doors have slammed in your face….

20527479_1435103543243437_1244507266_nLife just has a way of showing us how to live doesn’t it? One minute we’re going along as a family of four, and all of a sudden we’re separated and no longer a family of 4 but a family of 3 and Mr. Wonderful is no longer living under the same roof as you and your kids……..

And in all this my writing came to a stand still over the last few months. My once Mr. Wonderful moved out and we separated, on very mutual terms I may add (I won’t bore you with the details though). Now, I’m focused on my Art and writing. I’ve spend countless hours delving into both and focusing on both. My book-edits had fallen so far behind in the last few months that I am ashamed to admit I’d almost given up hope I’d ever finish my final edits, but I’m almost through it now!!!! YAYYYYY!!!! I have gainfully found employment and have started art tutoring some very amazing little ones as well so life as a whole is looking very sunny. When we stop focusing on all the negatives, all those positives start shining through. It turns out that in this whole mess of me getting ill last year in March with my Neurological condition, then having to leave work and financially falling into a severe mess, then getting sicker yet, then finally figuring out this condition, now I’m separated and on being treated but the great news is – My life is turning out amazing! I am happy!!! My VM (Vestibular Migraine) is being treated and I’m having almost no issues at all now (from being in severe pains and unable to be balanced 24/7) and the ones I do have are very manageable throughout the day! I am working and I’m so excitedly focused on life and moving forward and my girls!

The doors that started slamming in my face just over a year ago, that created my personal rock bottom, threw me into a depression, created severe anxiety that I still deal with, also have opened an abundance of new exciting doors for me and my family. I am so very excited about this new and exciting road. The Universe always has our back. Even when we think we’re in the darkest of times, and we feel 100% alone, we’re truly not. When I started focusing again, during my depression in December and started holding on to my faith again, things started turning around for me. I returned to school and took some great classes that helped me find a part of myself I didn’t know was still there and also grew that part to soaring heights. I grew into who I am now and I’m so excited to see where this new life and these new adventures will lead.

Remember – just because doors are closing in our lives, doesn’t mean it’s the end – it simply means that there may be something much better waiting on the other side.

Lots of Love.

Pixie (Beatrice)

Creativity… you don’t have to be an artist

I’ve always been a firm believer that you don’t have to be an “artist” to be creative. We all have a creative streak in us. We have just been brainwashed by society to believe what art is supposed to look like. Do you remember seeing Sally’s drawings in school and people Oooo’ing and Aaah’ing over them and praising her? Or you scolding yourself, even if it was teasingly “I don’t have a creative bone in my body. I can’t even draw a stick figure.” Well, I’m here to tell you, QUIT IT. We all do! We all have creativity in us, we just need to learn how to use it.

Creativity comes in many forms and variations. Some are messy, some are clean, some are planned, some are not. Mine are all of the above. It always depends on my mood. Much like my writing, my art varies day to day. Mood by mood. I have art that is clean, precise and planned but I also have art that is messy, moody and just as I go on the spot. My favorite is the later. It is also the ones that usually people are most drawn to. I assume because it is raw and full of emotion (whatever that may be at the time).

Creativity though, exists within us all. We were all born with a natural streak of creativity. Creativity is not a special gift endowed only upon a lucky few. It is for everyone and it is everywhere.  But the key to tapping into this creativity is understanding that our approaches to creativity differ in terms of level and style. This curiosity to create play is very visible especially children, but as we grow it gets washed away by the negative mindset of “I can’t” and “He/She does it better than I” .  Often though no one is actually to blame. Children ask questions, often a lot of them, and often us as adults get exasperated and tell them to sit down and shush. And just like that, we shut down their curiosity, a vital part of their creative process. It can also be suppressed when tired and adults stifle fresh ideas from young ones that may challenge their life long perspectives.

So the key lesson I’m trying to relay today, pick up a marker, a pen or just a crayon that your child left lying around and simply doodle. Even if all you start with, on a piece of paper or in a notebook, is a bunch of dots or circles or lines. Then start coloring them in with another color. Take your time, you’re not on a schedule or timeline for this. If you run out of time for what you what available tuck it aside and come back later. I will often work on projects for days on end. Here are some ideas of simple but yet beautiful little art projects to clear your mind and awaken some creativity in your heart.

3 Ways to Prepare an Art Journal Page + Journal Prompts for PrepareApril page Shari CarrollThis is an example of a drawing that I did while listening to "Florence and the Machine- Dog Days are over" Still a work in progress, thats what makes this technique so great!


In many ways it is remarkable that the world does have creative people because life and its many imperfections actually stifle creativity. So I truly hope you can be a little more creative and inspire others around you to be a little more creative and ask them to embrace creativity just a little more.

xo – Pixie

Two weeks and counting

It’s been two weeks and counting that this has let up . I track my Vestibular Migraine so I learn it’s patterns, it’s routines. My neurologist had told me I had quite a severe case. This may seem so, as this has not let up in a year now, at all. It is instead getting worse.

I am always in some form of pain. There is no days off, just like Motherhood! I’ve been in a state of Migraine now though for a solid two weeks & yet I’m still asked to function, because I can’t be under a blanket or hiding in a dark room for 2 weeks. So I have found the things that work for me, and I use the heck out of them and make them work for me so I can at least semi-function.

The thing is, with my migraines, I’m not always just in pain, that’s not all, there is also incessant dizziness, because the constant pain wasn’t enough, we have to add  constant spinning and vertigo. Yes, this morning I may be sounding a little frustrated , bitter maybe?! I’ll talk  you through this, just hang in with me. As I’m typing this, those of you that get migraines are probably thinking, how is she even typing without tipping off her chair, well one, my screen is very dim (YAYY for having a savvy crew that taught me!) and two, I’m leaned close to the wall beside me, so no tipping off my chair !!!

This neurological condition, has been something to say the least. It had thrown me into a bout of depression for a few months, it had taken so many things from my including a job I loved and activities I loved, and now most likely will not be doing again, but I gained so much during this last year. So much. This realization didn’t even dawn on me until a few days ago, but I gained a ton with this as well. I lost an awful lot, and grieved so much over that loss but the amount of beauty and lovely insights I have gained and found is tremendous. The lessons that have come out of this whole mess once I started slowing down and seeing the bigger picture. I am in constant pain with my VM. There is no real off days. Even on my good days I have a, what I call, a nagging headache.  I have returned to my roots. It took me a little while to find this place of my own truth again.

The realization and the loss that I’d felt had made me allow the ego to set up camp in my head, and rule for a few months, and I allowed her rock the boat and let her do her thing there. It is so difficult to be mindful when you’re in a constant state of pain. I assume it was time to up my level of learning and now go to this level, from wherever I was before, so now I am here, practicing mindfulness even as I’m working on this post for you.  Mindfulness brings you back to the present. You observe what’s going on now. This means both inside and outside of you. The waves are still there but you are more calmly riding them. Being in the moment gives you a deeper sense of balance.

As Buddhist teachers like to say: the suffering is in the stories. An effective way to bring your attention out of your stories and into the present moment is to take three conscious in- and out-breaths while turning your attention to the present moment. As you do this, notice what’s available to your senses right now: a sight, a sound, the sensation of your clothes on your skin. Even if it’s not a particularly pleasant moment, at least you’re present for it instead of being lost in regrets about the past or worst-case-scenarios about a future you can’t predict. And, more often than not, being mindful of your present moment experience reveals that there’s something pleasant going on right around you that you just hadn’t noticed. This can be soothing and healing.

If you are struggling today – practice mindfulness, take the time to just focus on each task at hand feel each task, feel the street beneath your feet as you walk to your car, feel the air in your face, the rain in your hair, the wind on your face, the air in your lungs.

Most importantly….

Enjoy today & know you’re not alone


Pixie xo

Days like today. 

On days like today where my Vestibular Migraine side swipes me I have two choices. 

1) get swept up in the frustration of it and let the pity train take over 


2) remember that I’m one tough lady, ask for help,  and just move slowly.

Today started as, what seemed to be, a great day. Other than my normal pain level of 3ish and the regular rocking ship feelings, I felt great. I was rested and was just well for the most part.  My new well feelings. I was happy, bubbly and full of gratitude before noon. By the time I made it it to my Dr’s appointment, I’d somewhere hit a wall. I was disoriented, in severe pain and could not think clearly. I imagine that it had to do with our weather changes, lack of sleep, or maybe I ate something funny. 

When I degraded so fast this morning, I quickly had to make arrangements to get myself safely home as driving no longer  was an option. By the time I made it to my workshops I was frustrated and felt insanely sorry for myself. I lost another bit of freedom. Again I had to ask for help. 

Within an hour at workshops, I emotionally felt much better again. Today’s topic was emotional fitness. It couldn’t have been timed better and just reminded me promptly that I need to breathe and if I can’t control how I’m feeling , I can though control how I’ll react and what I’ll do to ensure my safety. 

This condition has made me anxious and it’s made me fearful. I fight every day with my spirituality, leaning hard onto my faith and trusting that there is lessons and that I’ll find my way just as I always have. What I’d like you to know is that even when life is scary and crazy and things aren’t our norm, there are always silver linings and something to be taken from the situation. Have faith. Remember we’re all in this together,  and with love and our breath we can accomplish anything we can dream up.

Love , Pixie

The headache that won’t go away

I woke up with a headache just over a year ago. Then came the dizziness in March last year and neither has gone away since.  Most mornings I convince myself that the pain is minimal enough to just be happily on my way and other days I am on pain medication all day, cursing and being all around more negative than is normal for me.  Each day is like a balancing act, consistently feeling like the ground is tilting away from me, and that’s a good day.

 I usually have 10-18 hour stints ,several times a week, where the pain is almost unbearable and the dizziness is severely nauseating but with patience and lots of love from those amazing people in my life I’m making it day to day.

I’ve been told numerous times now that “I’m too young”. I didn’t choose this at age 29.  Nor would I ever wish any vestibular disability on anyone. The feeling of never being in control of what your body is doing is frightening. The fear of falling incredibly real. I used to be a person who loved thrills of roller coasters and the scarier and crazier the fair rides the better. Now just thinking of stepping on one and inducing the feelings I have daily basis make me sick.

Each day I wake and make a very conscious decision that today will be a good day. That I will smile, work through the pain and then move forward one tiny baby step at a time. Life isn’t as it was a short 6 months ago even but this is how things will be so my goals have shifted and changed some. Things I didn’t think I’d ever consider doing with my life have become very real visions that I’m now working towards. This last year I had to relearn how to balance myself and how to stay upright when everything is tilting away. I had to learn to ask for help when I don’t want it but need it and I had to learn patience. Mainly with myself. Learning that it’s OK to reach out sky stabilize myself on those around me, emotionally and physically, has been a huge part in my new lesson plan. But I’m getting there. Slowly.

The universe always provides for our every want and need. Just sometimes the way there is different than we could have ever imagined. In these times we need patience & faith in Love.

Keep moving forward, no matter how troublesome life may be & remember even the biggest storms have sunshine in the end.

Love,  Pixie. 

Some perspective

When we face life changes it sure seems that we start seeing things with clearer perspective.

When I left work due to illness in October, I started having a lot of time for soul searching, and I did just that. In time i came to despise every situation that did not make me truly happy and in turn removed myself from those situations. Having so many new things to focus on in my life, including my health having been not so dandy, has made me very selfish for my own peace and happiness but mostly healing. I needed to heal. On an emotional and physical level.

I deserve happiness and peace. And when I realized that it was truly within me and not up to anyone but me to make myself happy, a weight lifted.  It was almost instant. There was nothing that brought it on other than maybe time and circumstance. I don’t have to like everyone and I don’t have to make everyone happy. And in turn what other people think of me is not any of my business nor is it worth loosing sleep over. 

It has taken so much time for me to realize that I’m important too,  that it took illness to understand that i do not need to be available to everyone at their beck and call. Having to force myself to take care of myself first, so that I can effectively take care of those around me has been an important lesson that has finally sank in. When too much is asked of me, I can simply no longer comply. I don’t have the physical or emotional energy to be as patient as a once was. My health has taught me to love, accept but also let go. It was another huge lesson I’d had to learn. I can’t do it all any longer nor do I aim to. 

Years of studying spiritual studies and guidance caught up to me in one quick and almost overwhelming instance. It took time to digest, understand and then return to my roots. This is me. Unapologetically loving and sometimes a little too motherly but I am a recovering people pleaser. Also, I’ll always have this disability but with time I’ve been learning how to live and thrive with it 

Pixie xo