Finally…. something working on my pain level… wow… this was a long haul of dizzies and pain… more than 2 weeks and it got so much worse after I slipped and fell just over a week ago… oye…and 2 solid days completely laid out after Christmas… well… now that it’s 8:30 PM and I’m finally feeling back to normal and can think clearly without fuzziness in my head and ice-picks …. I’d like to give some of my thoughts on when you’re thinking you can’t go another step…
I’m pretty new to this Vestibular Disorder thing with Vestibular Migraines (Only have had these since March 2016). That isn’t very long when I’ve spoken to so many who have suffered through Chronic pain and disorders for years, some their whole lives. One thing I see time and time again though is the lack of will to keep moving, the depression these illnesses cause and the lack of knowing where to turn or HOW to keep moving when all you can focus on is pain.
This is something that comes from so far deep within yourself that you have to dig for it .
I hit a bout of depression for about 4 1/2 months when I was told I’d never work again. I got so ill, and I simply went through my days and waited for the quiet moments where I could be alone. Where my then husband was at work, and the kids in school so I’d be alone to cry or think and ponder my life as it was. I was alone with the animals most often… and with my disorder. The one that I was just then recently told would cause me to never work again or have a normal life ever again. The “normal life” they spoke of has turned out to be quite something but let me stay on track. I was devastated, and at my rock bottom & in constant pain and my world was always spinning. No, I was not okay then. But I sure am now! These VM caused me to have to find myself and learn a whole set of skills and mind sets I did not know I possessed and could ever possess. I had to dig deep though, I had to find out what I wanted, and I had to figure out what it was that was going to keep me going and what was going to make my life purposeful again. It was not ever going to be how it was, that much was clear. So what was a 29 year old to do that was just told she’s now saddled with a condition that will always be silly and act up out of nowhere unless we can find medication that will keep it in line? (which YAYYYY we did) – I dug deep. I had a TON of help. Let me tell you I had SO much help from some amazing people that watched me cry and guided me and still listen to me when I have frustrated days but these days will happen. I found a job that I CAN do around my condition, I found hobbies that I used to be passionate about that I pulled out of storage and have worked on and turned into a passion AT my job.
I can’t do a lot of the things I used to do, and that does frustrate me to no end, and there is days where it overwhelms me how seemingly little i can now do, but in the end:
- I found a few new doors to explore that would not have opened without this condition
- I am more peaceful because my life is MUCH less busy, because I can no longer be too busy.
- I have found out that I can be a lot more patient than I ever thought possible, mostly because a lot of stuff simply has to wait now.
- I am learning a whole pile of skill sets that I’d never have learned otherwise and educating myself on anything that interests me: Neurology, mindfulness, arts etc. Why not?!
So you see, though my life turned out very different than I imagined it may have when I woke up in March 2016 with that crazy spinning sensation in my head not able to keep myself steady, it turned and it landed up where it was supposed to be. Our doors shut for reasons and then, just like that, we are guided right to where we need to be. Sometimes the guidance isn’t as loving as it seems (tough love and all) but I think that may be because us Humans are a little too stubborn to take the guidance when it’s initially offered, so the Universe has to give us firmer pushes. SO this was mine……