Two weeks and counting

It’s been two weeks and counting that this has let up . I track my Vestibular Migraine so I learn it’s patterns, it’s routines. My neurologist had told me I had quite a severe case. This may seem so, as this has not let up in a year now, at all. It is instead getting worse.

I am always in some form of pain. There is no days off, just like Motherhood! I’ve been in a state of Migraine now though for a solid two weeks & yet I’m still asked to function, because I can’t be under a blanket or hiding in a dark room for 2 weeks. So I have found the things that work for me, and I use the heck out of them and make them work for me so I can at least semi-function.

The thing is, with my migraines, I’m not always just in pain, that’s not all, there is also incessant dizziness, because the constant pain wasn’t enough, we have to add  constant spinning and vertigo. Yes, this morning I may be sounding a little frustrated , bitter maybe?! I’ll talk  you through this, just hang in with me. As I’m typing this, those of you that get migraines are probably thinking, how is she even typing without tipping off her chair, well one, my screen is very dim (YAYY for having a savvy crew that taught me!) and two, I’m leaned close to the wall beside me, so no tipping off my chair !!!

This neurological condition, has been something to say the least. It had thrown me into a bout of depression for a few months, it had taken so many things from my including a job I loved and activities I loved, and now most likely will not be doing again, but I gained so much during this last year. So much. This realization didn’t even dawn on me until a few days ago, but I gained a ton with this as well. I lost an awful lot, and grieved so much over that loss but the amount of beauty and lovely insights I have gained and found is tremendous. The lessons that have come out of this whole mess once I started slowing down and seeing the bigger picture. I am in constant pain with my VM. There is no real off days. Even on my good days I have a, what I call, a nagging headache.  I have returned to my roots. It took me a little while to find this place of my own truth again.

The realization and the loss that I’d felt had made me allow the ego to set up camp in my head, and rule for a few months, and I allowed her rock the boat and let her do her thing there. It is so difficult to be mindful when you’re in a constant state of pain. I assume it was time to up my level of learning and now go to this level, from wherever I was before, so now I am here, practicing mindfulness even as I’m working on this post for you.  Mindfulness brings you back to the present. You observe what’s going on now. This means both inside and outside of you. The waves are still there but you are more calmly riding them. Being in the moment gives you a deeper sense of balance.

As Buddhist teachers like to say: the suffering is in the stories. An effective way to bring your attention out of your stories and into the present moment is to take three conscious in- and out-breaths while turning your attention to the present moment. As you do this, notice what’s available to your senses right now: a sight, a sound, the sensation of your clothes on your skin. Even if it’s not a particularly pleasant moment, at least you’re present for it instead of being lost in regrets about the past or worst-case-scenarios about a future you can’t predict. And, more often than not, being mindful of your present moment experience reveals that there’s something pleasant going on right around you that you just hadn’t noticed. This can be soothing and healing.

If you are struggling today – practice mindfulness, take the time to just focus on each task at hand feel each task, feel the street beneath your feet as you walk to your car, feel the air in your face, the rain in your hair, the wind on your face, the air in your lungs.

Most importantly….

Enjoy today & know you’re not alone

Love,

Pixie xo

I was diagnosed & reacted…

Good evening, happy Saturday and Happy January 21st

For some it may be Sunday by the time you read this but I wanted to touch base anyways. I went and saw the Neurologist this week, and the news he gave me was far from what I wanted to hear & with all my spiritual training and studying I assumed I’d react better than I did. He diagnosed me with “Vertiginous or Vestibular Migraines”.

Vestibular migraine is a variant of migraine in which instead of headache being the most predominant feature, dizziness is. Patients usually say that out of nowhere they got extremely dizzy and don’t feel like they’re on even ground. Some describe a spinning or rocking sensation. They have light or sound sensitivity and get nauseous or throw up. Episodes can last minutes to hours, and there’s a chronic form where people have a constant sense of imbalance.

This is a strain of migraine that very few people are lucky enough to get so very little research has been done and I was also lucky enough to get the “chronic version” were you are always dizzy and unbalanced. If you’re new here let me go back just a little bit. I started having extreme dizziness with slight migraines back in May of 2016. In October everything changed, I was taken to hospital,  pulled from my job and became quite dependent on the people around me during my “bad days” which were becoming more and more often, until they were daily.  I’m constantly feeling faint with these tremendous headaches and pressure behind my forehead. I spend most days walking along furniture or balancing on my dog who has been a blessing to me during this time.The diagnosis basically told me that I would be like this most of my life now. There isn’t a “cure” for this, just a medication that I was now put on that may reduce these symptoms by up to 50% over the next 3 months. So, I will still not be “normal” and will most likely always be this way. That was quite the shock. I reacted quite badly and had a pity party for myself that whole day.

After the initial shock wore off, I changed my tune. I went into myself and pulled out every ounce of strength I had and I leaned on my inner guide. I prayed and I asked for guidance. I asked the Universe to show me the way. I surrendered this all and asked my inner guide to take the wheel. In the next few days I spend a ton of time researching the heck out of this condition and have reached out to the kind people around me to help find answers that may not be part of our traditional western medicine.  With the help and love of my inner guide, and knowing she was going to walk beside me through all this I found some great answers as to what I’m even up against which has given me the new drive to get answers in regards to regaining a little sense of normalcy somehow. There is many people out there that deal with a lot of medical issues on a daily basis, so I can too!

If you are struggling tonight, know that you are not alone! Know that when you surrender it all to God, Mother Earth or the Universe (or any God of your understanding), know that you’re never alone in your struggles and your happy moments. Know you’re always guided, we humans just sometimes make the mistake of letting the ego take over and thus silence our inner guide and cheerleader! She’s always there to show us the way in good and in not so good times, and if you just listen, you’ll not be steered wrong. My “listening” comes in several forms, sometimes it’s an article or a book, or a gut instinct, or a friend who just has some kind & caring words to guide me but when we just listen and are willing to receive, we’re always guided.
Love, Pixie

Please support and help us here if you can, by either sharing this link, or helping with a small donation! And also to read more about our story! THANK YOU!!!!! All of the amazing help we’ve received has been so loving and I’m forever grateful ❤

 

When life gives you lemons

We truly always ought to trust that the Universe has our back. Have faith in the fact that we’re NEVER EVER handed more than we can handle. Even when situations seem hopeless, there’s a light. Receiving small signs (or big ones) is often a way that we’re shown.

I was frustrated this last week. I had the hardest time hanging on to my faith. But I did it. I trusted and I knew that if I just kept hanging on and believing that things would get better.
I received a few very precious gifts this weekend, they were signs from the Universe though also, I knew when I received them, that things would be ok. One tiny baby step at a time.

No, I am not allowed to work outside the house right now. No, I may not run around and be my busy normal self, that literally LOVES to run and do busy things (I bartended for a living before I had to come home) BUT I am able to be here at home, focusing as best as I can on myself & taking that breather that my body is screaming, so desperately for in all this turmoil.

The Universe tends to show us in many forms that things are ok. That WE ARE OK, even when life seems completely out of whack and overwhelming. Remember that ultimately the universe is always giving you love. If you’re not ready to receive, you won’t. Be honest with yourself and about the questions you have in life. Are you willing to change? Cultivate a true desire to hear from the universe. Be willing to accept the answers no matter how or through whom they come. Sometimes it’s a simple text from a dear friend or family member, checking in on you or simply to say that they love you. Sometimes it’s simply KNOWING that you have to believe in the ability to work through these things with the help of the Universe (or any God of your understanding). Sometimes the signs are books dropping into your lap or a quote that pops up on Facebook.

Recognizing and receiving help through signs depends on willingness, earnest seeking, and just plain listening. The universe is always here to help us, so let it help, and pay attention to what it is telling you.

Love,

Pixie xo

 

Finding that Inner Strength

20e1c06e840e1df8ff2c993fe44ad6abWe’ve had a tougher go of it these last few months. With my health being wonky and not knowing what’s going on and all it’s been one uncertainty after another. But something I have learned in the last few months is, that our loved ones ARE there to support us and help us. And if I am having a bad day, I can message and whine to them and they’ll tolerantly and most lovingly listen and let me lean on them. (Thank you to those amazing souls in my life that keep holding me when I need the hand!!! I love you!)

I’ve found strength in myself I didn’t know I possessed through this process. I’ve learned that our human bodies are quite fragile and that pushing them through overworking and always doing will eventually somehow catch up with us. As yet, I don’t know what my health issues exactly are, I do know that when I sit still (in meditation or other quiet activities) I feel relatively okay.

So today, for today, let’s focus on one thing at a time, let’s learn how to lean on that inner strength in times of trouble, because as we know, those storm clouds do gather in our lives, and life isn’t always sunshine. It is though our job to learn how to dance when it pours and how to embrace all seasons and all the weathers of life! There will be days when it doesn’t feel like you’re ever going to be strong enough to weather these storms, but I promise you, as I’m in the midst of my own storms that we’re never given more in life than we can handle, even when we have to dig deep into our most inner selves to find this strength. Every hour of every day, people are pushed to question if they’ll ever feel normal again. This and wanting to help people with this is why I hold on to being an Empath and not let the world make me hard but also this is why I share my personal self with you, that even though I’m a very spiritual, loving person, one who always sees the silver lining, I too have terrible tough days. Here are some things though that have helped me through those tough days.

When you’re having a hard time, remind yourself of all the days before that you’ve survived. Your survival record is 100% for crazy hard days! Congratulations on that!!! You’re doing amazing!!!!! Practice seeing yourself rise above the pain, looking back and peering forward at the values, experiences and goals of your whole life. Remind yourself that you are bigger than this, and that you will get back to you again. You can always rely on your support system, those closest to you. Even when they live further away, with technology being amazing, you can message them and ask for some encouragement. I promise, even when you feel like you’re intruding, they will help you stand back up.  Ask them to remind you of your strengths and listen to them. That is why these blessed relationships are in your life, and one day, you might do the same for them.

I’ve also found that when I’m extremely overwhelmed it helps tremendously to just find time for myself. Whether I have a bubble bath, or read for a while or just simply sit in meditation, carving time to ground yourself back to your roots is tremendously helpful in this. Carving out time to do the things you’re really good at is vital right now. It will help you remember that you have great talents beyond your personal crisis. That there is great positive things in your life. For myself, I’ve picked up drawing and crocheting again during this time alongside my writing and music. I haven’t been able to sing as it is too much for my head to handle but that doesn’t stop me from humming or quietly singing along.

And finally, lean on your inner guide. They are your strongest supporter and they will always be there to help ground and guide you. Ask for spiritual guidance, comfort and grounding in your journey. Stay open to receiving divine gifts in the most wonderful, surprising ways, and believe that you deserve them when they show up. Meditate. Pray. Be mindful. Trust that you are going to move past this thing and that the universe wants that for you as well.

Lots of Love,

Pixie xo

 

Finding miracles in the tougher days

I have been dealing with a crazy, long lasting form of vertigo since the early spring. It causes severe headaches, nausea, dizziness and recently I’ve also started feeling very faint and get blurred vision to the point of fearing I may lose consciousness. 10458904_10153384525588707_1335691721489162089_n

I know this is somehow all part of the Universe’s plan for me. She always has a plan even when we don’t understand and it’s all feeling hopeless and confusing. There is a plan. One we will never be in control of. Sometimes when one door closes one will open that has a much better path and future than you had imagined for yourself. For myself, maybe because I can’t work right now, because I am stuck at home, maybe it means I’m to focus on my arts, maybe it means I’m forgetting myself, or maybe it’s a way to remind me that there is always more to life than bills and day to day!

Those days, and they’ve come quite often in the last six months, where I feel lost, and pray to be shown the way, who to speak to and what to say. Those days, I feel mostly at peace after sitting in meditation for a few minutes. Letting love wash over me and remembering that I’m always guided, always shown a better way and never left to fight battles I can’t handle.

I know this time is a bit tougher and adjustments are needed but I know with patience and a lot more time in meditation (whether they be active or passive) I will find what the purpose of this is and I will find my way through.

 

Love,
Pixie

 


Image – Gabrielle Bernstein – Miracles Now

Finding your Inner Guide among all the other Voices

I speak in much more detail about this in my upcoming book “The Nook-Book” though I love sharing a few tidbits as we approach the release of my book in a few months.

I have a few things I do to get through my days and weeks with relative ease. Finding time for me and my personal space otherwise gets forgotten about. So here are some of the things I do to get through my weeks without any real struggle and extra added peace.

 

  1. I mediate every single night. Sometimes I take several minutes several times a day to breathe, find my center and also then in turn find my loving space again. That space where my ~Ing is close to me and my heart is open to receive and give love again

 

  1. I journal. I have for several years and I’m very diligent about this practice. My journals have become my best friends, my companions, my know-it-alls. They have my planners, notes, book notes, blog post thoughts and plans, business plans and life schedule in them.

 

  1. I work out my weekly plan at the very end of the last week. normally I aim for Sundays but sometimes Saturdays is the day I land up doing this as well. I work out my work schedule for my job first as that’s not decided by me, then I fill in the kids’ and hubby’s plans in different colors (yes, I love colors) and then last I fill in my writing and sketching hours for that week. I aim to achieve 10-20 each week. It’s a good goal for me and works well for my family at this point. After all I have tons of goals to achieve if one day this is all I want to be doing.

 

  1. Cuddle. I seriously cuddle. My husband, my kids, my pets, my friends. I love cuddles. It’s really not a secret that cuddling makes a person feel good. Right!?! It makes us feel safe, cozy, warm, and like someone else has the reigns for just a bit. Cuddling also releases Oxytocin. Ocytocin does everything from help you feel good to helping you feel more connected to others. Cuddling also boosts your immune system. Honestly, aside from my snuggles and hugging habits I believe this may be why I almost never actually get sick. Cuddling reduces stress as well so if you’re having a rough day, snuggle up and feel the tension ease bringing you yet again closer to love and your Inner Guide.

 

Our Inner Guides, also known as the “True mind” is the part of us that sees the world as whole. Sees all as one. But as you’re getting to know her. How do you know if you’ve heard correctly (or even at all?!). My personal guidance often comes in several forms, sometimes it’s just a gut feeling, others it’s blurbs of images. For some it’s an “AHA moment”. Even though it was a feeling, I recognized it as my inner guide speaking to me because of the rightness of it. That is, when I thought of doing what it was telling me I needed to do, I knew it was the correct thing even though it seemed pretty crazy at the time.

Sometimes I can “hear” her. In my mind of course. Through meditation I came to learn that my Inner Guide can have a real voice. The trouble is recognizing her from all the others. Recognizing she’s the right one to listen to. Truly, it’s only when you start paying attention that you realize how much unneeded and useless chatter goes on in our heads.

I started meditating after a bit of a rough patch a number of years back. I’d started as simple as just finding several minutes where I’d attempt to shut down the chatter and just be. The hard part was finding my Inner Guide in all the chatter. I recognized my main voice (myself) right away as those were my conscious thoughts. What should I make for dinner? What else do I need to do today? Who do I need to call?” the list went on and on. My main voice had no idea how to quiet the rest of them. She was quite lost on that count to be truthful with you. I’d drift and allow all those chatter boxes to keep chattering until eventually I would realize my mind(s) had drifted and my main voice would rise up in frustration and scream “SHUT THE HECK UP ALREADY”! (Which by the way, doesn’t help!)

And this is exactly what makes mediation so difficult, is to quiet the mind and only allow your Inner Guide to speak up. The whole idea is to quiet your mind. Yet just as you get one voice to shut up, the others laugh and keep going, which makes you feel completely powerless.

Eventually, one day though, those voices just stopped. I am not certain how, I believe now in the aftermath it was simply practice. Letting them chatter but not wallowing on any of what was said. Just letting the thoughts drift by without judgement or investigating further. Once I was able to stop the voices, I started practicing at keeping it that way. I was able to hear Her. Her, being my Inner Guide. She comes through as an authorative voice. I can ask questions and she’ll answer. Sometimes just a word or two other times it’s a bit longer. Still, hearing Her makes me realize I’m on the right path. So how can you know you’re hearing your Inner Guide and aren’t imagining things at random? I can only speak for myself, but the voice of my Inner Guide seems to speak much slower than any other voice that is in my head. When my conscious mind is free from the clutter of the egoic mind, I can very clearly hear and sense the distinction between the me who’s asking the question and the I who is providing the answers. The answerer is very no nonsense and it always provides the one true answer that I know is exactly right. Therefore I can only explain it to you in somewhat of a riddle:  You’ll know for sure if you’re hearing your inner guide only when you actually know for sure that you’re hearing your inner guide! In other words, if you’re not sure, then it’s probably not your inner guide speaking.

It’s also important to note that the inner guide doesn’t always answer right away. In fact, I don’t typically expect answers at all at the time I ask my questions. I generally believe they’ll come to me later either as a sign (such as hearing about a certain book from multiple sources) or through allowing my inner guide to literally lead me through my day. I’ve also found that the more I allow for that to happen, the fewer questions I feel the need to ask in my meditations.

Love, Pixie xo