On chronic Illness and finding reasons to smile

This morning I sat here pondering after reading some posts from people, very much in the same mental space as I was in last year about this time. Frustrated, devastated and hopeless. Vestibular disorders including Vestibular Migraines are a often a chronic condition that alter your life suddenly, and completely. This condition drains you of most of your drive and ambition and you just have to figure out how to keep going through your day to day. I struggled so hard last year. I was pulled off work because I became a danger to myself and a liability due to my constant vertigo & dizziness. I was stumbling around like a drunk kitten. Being a bartender, this not only didn’t present a good picture but because it’s a busy job with lots of up and down and twists and turns was not the most safe environment for me. The decision was made after months of me not improving, but instead getting worse (March to October), that I’d take a sick leave. My condition still did not improve, so I did not return to my job as a bartender, letting them know to fill my position around Christmas time I believe, as Doctors didn’t have high hopes for me to ever return to work at all.

My sadness and depression got much worse at this time. I was devastated. I was a busy person. I loved busy. I loved knowing that I could fill my days 100% with To-Do’s. Then all of that was suddenly gone in a blink of an eye it seemed, and I was couch ridden and stumbling through my house, along furniture trying to make it day by day. I found my art in this time period again, it was something I strongly leaned on. Writing, painting, drawing. I did so many pictures that I gave away in this period and that are in my sketchbook but they carried me through.

Through each day I kept a smile on my face, knowing if I wasn’t waking up for myself, I was waking up for my girls. They were my motivation during my toughest days, were I simply had no motivation to roll out of bed in the morning, no ambition or strength to get up. The condition had taken over. I was in pain, disoriented, dizzy, nauseated and miserable 24/7, but my girls kept me moving. Having to mom and knowing that they relied on my smile and me getting up and being a grown up and running our house kept me going. So I did. I fought mentally through the depression, found my way back to where I could stand almost stable on my own two feet and then was referred to a program that would help me gain some confidence that I’d lost along the way and find my footing. They taught me that I did not need to be a bartender for the rest of my life and that my career was not locked in place just because that was what I’d done for x-number of years. By the end of the course (12 weeks after I’d started but 7 months from my lay-off) I was much more mentally prepared to battle life, I was on medication that had stabilized my VM and I was ready to tackle the work force again in a new field.

My story is a little long-winded and round about this evening, but what I’m getting at today: My path was very dead ended – I was on a dead end track bar-tending and that that and other doors simply needed to close. I believe fully that the Universe redirected me in it’s own way towards a path that would lead me towards my passions and where I’d be much better suited and needed. I now work in a field where I get to utilize my skills in a much better way still but also I get to be artistic ! I’m still chronic where my health is concerned and most days I wake up in some level of pain ( chronic means 15 or more VM days a month) but I do much better than before and I have an amazing support system that is always close by. The pain you learn to live with and it’s manageable with the right lotions. If you learn your triggers along the way and if you adjust your life along the way that also will help. My life changed. A lot. Everything changed. My friends, my lifestyles, I changed, my whole world has changed in the last almost 2 years but I am happy again and I am now in a place where I can almost confidently say that, though I am still daily finding more triggers (some I refuse to avoid: children, coffee, some days chocolate………) and always growing and always learning, I am stable in my Vestibular Migraine/Disorder and I have a handle on it as best as possible in this short period.

So sometimes, even though we may not understand why we’re dealt these cards. Why life is being so difficult or why we’re having such a tough time. If we give it time, and if we are still and trust that things will work out to our best need, they will. The Universe does have a plan. There always is a plan laid out for us. We just don’t have the Answer Key. We just get to go along for the ride. The fun part is to sit back and enjoy each moment and find the miracles in the crazy days!




When all the doors have slammed in your face….

20527479_1435103543243437_1244507266_nLife just has a way of showing us how to live doesn’t it? One minute we’re going along as a family of four, and all of a sudden we’re separated and no longer a family of 4 but a family of 3 and Mr. Wonderful is no longer living under the same roof as you and your kids……..

And in all this my writing came to a stand still over the last few months. My once Mr. Wonderful moved out and we separated, on very mutual terms I may add (I won’t bore you with the details though). Now, I’m focused on my Art and writing. I’ve spend countless hours delving into both and focusing on both. My book-edits had fallen so far behind in the last few months that I am ashamed to admit I’d almost given up hope I’d ever finish my final edits, but I’m almost through it now!!!! YAYYYYY!!!! I have gainfully found employment and have started art tutoring some very amazing little ones as well so life as a whole is looking very sunny. When we stop focusing on all the negatives, all those positives start shining through. It turns out that in this whole mess of me getting ill last year in March with my Neurological condition, then having to leave work and financially falling into a severe mess, then getting sicker yet, then finally figuring out this condition, now I’m separated and on being treated but the great news is – My life is turning out amazing! I am happy!!! My VM (Vestibular Migraine) is being treated and I’m having almost no issues at all now (from being in severe pains and unable to be balanced 24/7) and the ones I do have are very manageable throughout the day! I am working and I’m so excitedly focused on life and moving forward and my girls!

The doors that started slamming in my face just over a year ago, that created my personal rock bottom, threw me into a depression, created severe anxiety that I still deal with, also have opened an abundance of new exciting doors for me and my family. I am so very excited about this new and exciting road. The Universe always has our back. Even when we think we’re in the darkest of times, and we feel 100% alone, we’re truly not. When I started focusing again, during my depression in December and started holding on to my faith again, things started turning around for me. I returned to school and took some great classes that helped me find a part of myself I didn’t know was still there and also grew that part to soaring heights. I grew into who I am now and I’m so excited to see where this new life and these new adventures will lead.

Remember – just because doors are closing in our lives, doesn’t mean it’s the end – it simply means that there may be something much better waiting on the other side.

Lots of Love.

Pixie (Beatrice)

Two weeks and counting

It’s been two weeks and counting that this has let up . I track my Vestibular Migraine so I learn it’s patterns, it’s routines. My neurologist had told me I had quite a severe case. This may seem so, as this has not let up in a year now, at all. It is instead getting worse.

I am always in some form of pain. There is no days off, just like Motherhood! I’ve been in a state of Migraine now though for a solid two weeks & yet I’m still asked to function, because I can’t be under a blanket or hiding in a dark room for 2 weeks. So I have found the things that work for me, and I use the heck out of them and make them work for me so I can at least semi-function.

The thing is, with my migraines, I’m not always just in pain, that’s not all, there is also incessant dizziness, because the constant pain wasn’t enough, we have to add  constant spinning and vertigo. Yes, this morning I may be sounding a little frustrated , bitter maybe?! I’ll talk  you through this, just hang in with me. As I’m typing this, those of you that get migraines are probably thinking, how is she even typing without tipping off her chair, well one, my screen is very dim (YAYY for having a savvy crew that taught me!) and two, I’m leaned close to the wall beside me, so no tipping off my chair !!!

This neurological condition, has been something to say the least. It had thrown me into a bout of depression for a few months, it had taken so many things from my including a job I loved and activities I loved, and now most likely will not be doing again, but I gained so much during this last year. So much. This realization didn’t even dawn on me until a few days ago, but I gained a ton with this as well. I lost an awful lot, and grieved so much over that loss but the amount of beauty and lovely insights I have gained and found is tremendous. The lessons that have come out of this whole mess once I started slowing down and seeing the bigger picture. I am in constant pain with my VM. There is no real off days. Even on my good days I have a, what I call, a nagging headache.  I have returned to my roots. It took me a little while to find this place of my own truth again.

The realization and the loss that I’d felt had made me allow the ego to set up camp in my head, and rule for a few months, and I allowed her rock the boat and let her do her thing there. It is so difficult to be mindful when you’re in a constant state of pain. I assume it was time to up my level of learning and now go to this level, from wherever I was before, so now I am here, practicing mindfulness even as I’m working on this post for you.  Mindfulness brings you back to the present. You observe what’s going on now. This means both inside and outside of you. The waves are still there but you are more calmly riding them. Being in the moment gives you a deeper sense of balance.

As Buddhist teachers like to say: the suffering is in the stories. An effective way to bring your attention out of your stories and into the present moment is to take three conscious in- and out-breaths while turning your attention to the present moment. As you do this, notice what’s available to your senses right now: a sight, a sound, the sensation of your clothes on your skin. Even if it’s not a particularly pleasant moment, at least you’re present for it instead of being lost in regrets about the past or worst-case-scenarios about a future you can’t predict. And, more often than not, being mindful of your present moment experience reveals that there’s something pleasant going on right around you that you just hadn’t noticed. This can be soothing and healing.

If you are struggling today – practice mindfulness, take the time to just focus on each task at hand feel each task, feel the street beneath your feet as you walk to your car, feel the air in your face, the rain in your hair, the wind on your face, the air in your lungs.

Most importantly….

Enjoy today & know you’re not alone


Pixie xo

I was diagnosed & reacted…

Good evening, happy Saturday and Happy January 21st

For some it may be Sunday by the time you read this but I wanted to touch base anyways. I went and saw the Neurologist this week, and the news he gave me was far from what I wanted to hear & with all my spiritual training and studying I assumed I’d react better than I did. He diagnosed me with “Vertiginous or Vestibular Migraines”.

Vestibular migraine is a variant of migraine in which instead of headache being the most predominant feature, dizziness is. Patients usually say that out of nowhere they got extremely dizzy and don’t feel like they’re on even ground. Some describe a spinning or rocking sensation. They have light or sound sensitivity and get nauseous or throw up. Episodes can last minutes to hours, and there’s a chronic form where people have a constant sense of imbalance.

This is a strain of migraine that very few people are lucky enough to get so very little research has been done and I was also lucky enough to get the “chronic version” were you are always dizzy and unbalanced. If you’re new here let me go back just a little bit. I started having extreme dizziness with slight migraines back in May of 2016. In October everything changed, I was taken to hospital,  pulled from my job and became quite dependent on the people around me during my “bad days” which were becoming more and more often, until they were daily.  I’m constantly feeling faint with these tremendous headaches and pressure behind my forehead. I spend most days walking along furniture or balancing on my dog who has been a blessing to me during this time.The diagnosis basically told me that I would be like this most of my life now. There isn’t a “cure” for this, just a medication that I was now put on that may reduce these symptoms by up to 50% over the next 3 months. So, I will still not be “normal” and will most likely always be this way. That was quite the shock. I reacted quite badly and had a pity party for myself that whole day.

After the initial shock wore off, I changed my tune. I went into myself and pulled out every ounce of strength I had and I leaned on my inner guide. I prayed and I asked for guidance. I asked the Universe to show me the way. I surrendered this all and asked my inner guide to take the wheel. In the next few days I spend a ton of time researching the heck out of this condition and have reached out to the kind people around me to help find answers that may not be part of our traditional western medicine.  With the help and love of my inner guide, and knowing she was going to walk beside me through all this I found some great answers as to what I’m even up against which has given me the new drive to get answers in regards to regaining a little sense of normalcy somehow. There is many people out there that deal with a lot of medical issues on a daily basis, so I can too!

If you are struggling tonight, know that you are not alone! Know that when you surrender it all to God, Mother Earth or the Universe (or any God of your understanding), know that you’re never alone in your struggles and your happy moments. Know you’re always guided, we humans just sometimes make the mistake of letting the ego take over and thus silence our inner guide and cheerleader! She’s always there to show us the way in good and in not so good times, and if you just listen, you’ll not be steered wrong. My “listening” comes in several forms, sometimes it’s an article or a book, or a gut instinct, or a friend who just has some kind & caring words to guide me but when we just listen and are willing to receive, we’re always guided.
Love, Pixie

Please support and help us here if you can, by either sharing this link, or helping with a small donation! And also to read more about our story! THANK YOU!!!!! All of the amazing help we’ve received has been so loving and I’m forever grateful ❤


A little on Gratitude

I continuously observe people being very ungrateful and miserable in their lives. It is tough, I fully understand. Life can be miserable and it can be unfair. I understand that too. Good people don’t _____ <– fill in the blank to your needs. The reality though is that we all have ups and downs, life does give us lemons and life does throw us curve balls. People who regularly practice gratitude by taking time to notice and reflect upon the things they’re thankful for experience more positive emotions, feel more alive, sleep better, express more compassion and kindness, and even have stronger immune systems.

As I love reminding myself that I’m a #spiritjunkie and that I am growing each day right beside you guys, I read daily morning pages. Some days those pages are simply from my current book (right now I’m reading Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert) and other days I simply search the web for articles. It’s healthy to grow and it’s healthy to reflect. This morning though, while chatting with a great friend, I noticed again how bogged down we get with life & how easily we forget to be grateful for the things we do have.

“Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot” ~Hausa Proverb

For myself, embracing a gratitude journal seemed a very obvious way to start, as I love writing. I started this years ago on occasion just within my normal daily writing practice, but around Christmas time I decided it was time to dedicate one journal simply to gratitude. It’s lovely really, when my mood is bogged down, it’s much simpler to look back on the great things. Read a few days of entries and instantly be reminded of the great things in life! When I sat down this morning, I was going to type out a brand new list of ways to start a gratitude journal or maybe on how to be more grateful, but then I remembered, why start a whole new list when Authors like Louise Jensen over at TinyBuddah have done this so beautifully! I’d rather share her lovely insights with my amazing readers than rewording something that has been written countless times, when I can’t possibly word this much better.

There is joy everywhere, but it can be overshadowed by pain if you allow it.

When I have a bad day now, I read back over my journal and I remember that life has so much to offer. I still such a lot to be grateful for. Yes, I am one of the lucky ones. I have a life and I love it.

If you want to start a gratitude journal I recommend the following:

1. Don’t just go through motions. Make a decision to be consciously more grateful.

Don’t reluctantly journal because you think you should. Feel what you write. Believe it.

2. Don’t set yourself a minimum number of things to write per day.

This is a toughie. Many sites will recommend five or so things per day. In my experience, there are days I have less, and that’s perfectly okay. On balance, there are days I can fill a page. Don’t put yourself under pressure to stick to the same amount each day. Be flexible and don’t take the joy away by being too regimented.

3. Don’t wait for the right time.

I try to integrate this into my bedtime routine, but if I have a joyful experience, I often write it down straight away. This reinforces the positivity felt and ensures I don’t forget anything.

4. Elaborating on why you are grateful allows you to really explore your feelings.

If, like me, you intend on flicking back through your journal, make it clear why you are grateful for the items you add. For example: For the first entry, I put “my children.” On day two, I wrote, “my children for putting on a sock puppet show after school and making me laugh.” That triggers so many memories each time I read it and always makes me smile.

5. Focus on people rather than things.

As much as I love my iPod, it can never give me the same warm, fuzzy, loved feeling my partner instills by making me a surprise breakfast in bed.

6. Don’t rush; savor every word.

Don’t see this as another chore to get through. The fact that you can make a list of things that make you feel grateful should make you feel, umm, well, grateful!

7. Include surprises.

Unexpected events often elicit a greater emotional response. They’re also wonderful to look back on when you feel that life is mundane and the same old routine all the time.

8. Keep the negative out.

If you want to keep a diary to record how you feel, this can be constructive, but leave your gratitude journal as a purely positive only exercise.

9. Mix it up. Don’t put same thing every day.

Expand your awareness. The more you do this, the more you’ll start to really appreciate what a gift life is. The world is beautiful. Learn to really experience it.

10. Be creative.

Who says a gratitude journal has to be full of lists? Mine contains everything from concert tickets to photos and restaurant receipts. Have some fun with it.

11. Give it a fair chance.

Some experts say it takes, on average, twenty-one days for a new habit to form. Don’t give up or dismiss it as not working before then. Commit to just three weeks and then see how you feel. What have you got to lose?

Love, Pixie xo


Source – http://tinybuddha.com/blog/turn-pain-to-joy-11-tips-for-a-powerful-gratitude-journal/

If you have not had a chance to read my story please do so! It has encouraged me to practice mindfulness and gratitude in a much more consistent way! www.gofundme.com/financial-pains-due-to-illness



Happy New Year’s Eve

Good morning and Happy Saturday December 31st

Today marks the last day of 2016. Are you ready for 2017? I have seen a lot of negative talk about how bad 2016 was and I myself at points felt the same. Despite that though, despite my health being crummy most of this year and with that having financial difficulties I have pushed myself to grow and see these difficulties as Teachers and Lessons. , to know We can always choose to be negative and feel down and depressed but we can also chose the exact opposite, the positive and possibilities of the unknown. My illness has taught me an amazing amount of compassion for myself and also patience. Most of all it has taught me to trust in the kindness  of strangers, in this case that being the Doctors and all those amazing people that have supported us with love, prayers and donations. I am forever grateful for the love that has been shown to us.

We can always see the negatives in life’s terrible times. This morning I read an article about the Dharmapala. The Dharmapala is a type of wrathful god in Buddhism. The name means “Dharma protector or defender” in Sanskrit.

I learned that according to myth, the Dharmapalas are angry creatures that would run into the Dharma—the principle of peace and mindfulness—and then all of their anger and misery would be transformed into the fierce protection of kindness.

They look pretty angry, and you can actually buy one and hang it on your wall for protection. They look like the kind of warrior that will definitely kick your a**. .

Basically, they serve as reminders for becoming present. If we are not present, bad things will happen. This is why accidents happen. This is why we fall into a spiral of “bad luck”—and it won’t really stop until we learn to stop and just breathe.

This illness (which I still don’t have answers to) has caused me to fight with myself daily, to ensure I see Love and remain trusting to the Universe for having my back. Of course, I’m not a saint, so there is days where I drop the ball. There is times where I don’t care to be happy and just want to wallow in self-pity for some time. Truth is though, what good does self-pity do me, when none of that hatred will serve me for my higher good? Those are the days when I pull out my journal and I vent out my anger at this illness and after writing line after line, and page after page, my thoughts turn back to the present and to  Love on their own it seems. I’ll have run out of steam and finally pull myself back together to believe that this will be over and sorted soon enough and that the Universe does have my back.

Being present and mindful is easier said than done most days, but with practice and just constant reminders to focus on the current moment, the feel of your skin, the water rushing through your hair, the sound of the fridge door slamming, the noise of the animals around you, the sounds of your home…. with practice you will be able to pull yourself back to being present and simply to your breath, allowing yourself to relax into the moment with love and compassion for yourself.


Lots of love ,



If you have not had a chance to read my story you can do so here on our GoFundMe page. All your thoughts and prayers are so greatly appreciated and if you could share my page on your social Media that would be amazing

Love & Support

“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene

I am so utterly overwhelmed with love this morning. Love of friends and family. With me being ill things have been quite tough for our family, but I do try hard to remember that the Universe does have our back.

This morning my thoughts kept returning to words I’d written in the past, during NaNoWriMo last year. They are going to be in my book once published as well. In times of need it is incredibly hard to ask those we love for help. By nature I am a very independent woman and I pride myself in doing things on my own. During this time it’s become clear that I do need help to make it through this. Daily my head is in more pain and daily I feel fainter and more dizzy. I can feel the changes and with that I lose sleep as I lay in bed worrying.

A friend of mine said something really wise to me the other day “We should never wish to live a life without obstacles, rather we should hope that we can face and overcome them with grace and integrity”

This experience of being ill and not really knowing WHY or WHAT, has caused me to rely on others and has taught me that we’re not meant to be in pain alone. We have those who love us deeply for guidance and support. It’s been painful, on not only a physical level but also an emotional one to have my independence pulled out right under my feet. I pride myself in doing things and getting things done, so the last thing I ever wanted to do was ask for help.

I’m not an expert on this topic (if such an expert exists!) so the only thing I can do is share with you my own experience. It’s hard to get our minds to start trusting. But the Universe will only give you as much as you can handle. Sometimes it may seem like too much but believe me She’s got this! She’s got your back! And if you ever doubt her, drop to your knees and surrender all in Prayer. All of it will become clear, ask for help if you need it. the help may come in different forms, sometimes it may be a call from a friend, other times it may be a book that randomly falls into your hands, then there is times where it simply could be a letter in the mail or a post even that you see on Facebook. But I promise, if you ask for help, it will show up. you just have to be observant and accept the help as it comes to guide you.

Whenever we feel like we’re stuck in life it’s because we let our Ego come forward and forgot to live in Love. She’s sneaky, remember?! So whenever you feel stuck, remember there is a way to get unstuck when you call on Love. Just ask yourself this ” Where is the Love” whenever you’re feeling in a rut or life has thrown too many curveballs. ! Search your mind for all loving outcomes, thoughts, and circumstances. Make a mental list or whip our your journal and jot it down. Accept and commit to your new perception.

I’ve been reminded numerous times now during this time that there are two parts to service: giving and receiving. That means somebody has to be on the receiving end. Somebody has to ask for help. Somebody has to say, “I can’t do this alone.”

I dream of a world where we all ask for help when we need it.

A world where we understand it’s weakness not strength that binds us. A world where we see true strength and humility is about knowing when to ask for help. A world where we understand we were never meant to suffer through pain on our own.

My sweet friend started a GoFundMe page for my family, if you’d like to read more about my story and maybe share and send lots of good energies I would greatly appreciate it!
Thank you for all your love

Beatrice (Pixie) xo

Here is the Link – Financial Pains due to Illness