When I say “I’m fine” & some evening thoughts

Many of us that live with Chronic pain will often answer the same way when asked how we’re doing “We’re fine”. Most of us don’t do it to lie or to hide the truth from those we love and care about, rather many people assume that when you look OK then you must be doing OK. We also hide our pain well and we do this mostly for our  own comfort as much as for yours I imagine. For myself personally, I’ve simply come to move beyond and just putter along my day to day focusing on the tasks needing to be done versus where my physical self is at.

I’ve lost a lot of weight due to my medication (to the tune of 40 + pounds). I am forever complimented at how great I look and how much I’ve changed. The other day I was asked if I have been working out lots. Most people would be thrilled about this, I am not though, I feel drained quite often. On top of the constant and various forms and levels of pain that I deal with on a daily basis, I am often tired and I don’t feel healthy like I used to before all this. I am no longer able to be bouncy and all over the place as I used to be. So when I’m asked how I’m doing instead of giving the constant explanations, I rather answer “I’m fine”. Most of us have our own reasons for doing this, I do it to protect myself emotionally mostly, and also to spare others at the same time. I don’t want people feeling badly for me because each time I tend to be honest they do feel bad, so I’ve simply come to keep the answer short.

Some days I feel better than others and there is nothing I can do about this. All I can do is take it as it is and move forward.

I’ve been doing much better than I was even 5 months ago and I’m so very grateful for that. The medication I am currently taking has stabilized me and given me a little more freedom again, to where my life is mostly back to normal versus where I was basically locked to my couch and unable to do a lot of things without help because I had too many bad days. And yes, I smile through chronic pain. Yes, I laugh through chronic pain. So yes do please ask me how I’m doing, but also know that I may not always be up front with the answer or give you a different one than you may expect.

19961379_1425208140899644_7837327881646711673_nAll of this said though, my VM has made me a happier person as a whole. I am more creative than I was before because I simply am pushed to sit and stay sitting for longer periods. I don’t have much control over my pain but I do have control over how I react to it and how I choose to deal with it as it comes. I can be miserable and moody, or I can take care of myself in those situations and hours as I need to as best as I can. (<—-I’m still learning this.)

The only person that will be able to control or is ever responsible for my happiness will be me, so when I am in pain and as I live with my chronic VM – I will take this one day at a time, one anxiety attack at a time and one VM-attack at a time, because that’s the only way to make it day to day with smiles and giggles. This is my life and it’s perfect as it is. There is no need for things to be different, this too has lessons to be learned. The thing is though….

Not all of them have yet been revealed……


Pixie (Beatrice)


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